Out damned spot!
Thinking about you is like picking at a scab. You know you ought to leave it alone, let it heal and drop off by itself when it will.
You keep picking at it.
I think of the times your laughter sounded untrue, when you hurt me by comparing, unconscious that you were doing it. I think of the times when it was you all the way.
You keep picking at it, the scab.
Your nail works at the drying edges, trying to help it along to get off your skin. Your nail probes at the flap, seeking to loosen it and lift it, changing attack and angles and trying to find another edge to tackle.
I think of the time we were both devastated, or I thought we were. I was shattered. You said a callous thing. I wept then. More for the stranger that stood in front of me than the terrible loss I realised that was mine alone.
The nail finds a fleshy flap to break loose and the scab lifts. There is a thin trickle of blood from the unhealed flesh. The nail is encrusted with blood too.
I will go wash my hands; I will trim my nails short too. The blood will dry up. There will be another scab. There will be a paler patch of new skin and a scar until that fades into body and past.
There won't be more picking at it, though. I am shut of you.
posted by Lalita | 23:11
12 Comments:
Does this happen to all!!!
It is a humble lay,
a familiar matter of today,
A natural sorrow, loss or pain,
that has been, and will be again !
It is the blood that causes the scab, at which you nitpick. How do we not bleed? Is it possible?
If you didn't nitpick the next time, the scab would just fade away? Would it leave a scar? Depends on the wound I suppose...
But then, soon after that, it wont hurt there anymore, it'll just look ugly maybe, and that too for a few months more.
PS: I have been around Lali, just havent commented as often!
does that happen often?? i thought it was only me who went through this...
Brilliantly observed and elegantly sparse as ever.
Sincerely,
Secret admirer
There is a masochist in everyone of us. We know pretty well that if we leave the scab alone, it will drop off on its own. We also know that by trying to pry it off, we risk reopening the wound. Yet, it's anybody's guess as to what we try to do. At times, I feel that people enjoy bringing on pain. Sounds totally crazy, but I've seen it around me and felt it happening to me. Maybe it's an extension of the behaviour displayed by kids in a playgroup : "My wound is bigger than yours and I don't even wince!" Maybe that manner of thinking grows with us, right into adulthood.
Morbid. I didn't think I'd find myself saying this to you, but can we have a lighthearted fun piece? Your observation is too acute, Lali.
Well, I refrained from commenting, because I just didn't want to. I didn't quite understand why would you write all sad notes like these.
Pain is one thing, that has a beauty in itself.
A wound long gone could also be re-opened.
And the wound right now, reminds you of your own limitations.
It also, by the way reminds you of your power to hurt yourself again.. no mortal other than humans would do that :)
You have a ripe wound or you reopened one.. but you sure do need to let it heal. I confess I have no darn idea.. how it will heal or it heals. but I know it is frangible enough to get reopened again.
b/w kill me..if you want to, but I can't help it. I can't put a stop to my own thoughts going hay-wire ;D
I have barrage of questions, to which I know I won't get answers.
And will you be kind enough to post more often! We miss you loads.
I hope you are well.
@ash and veens:
That's perception. The movie 'Life is Beautiful' has a scene in which the differences in perception are beautifully highlighted. The people in the scene are a girl, her fiance and a lady school teacher. Now, the school teacher is commenting on how much the students are required to learn, how difficult the problems in math are, and so forth, and to prove her point, gives an example of a problem in the maths textbook which goes something like this: A certain village in Germany has 500 crippled and 1500 retired citizens. If the cost to the state per day for supporting a crippled citizen is 5 Marks and the same for a retired citizen is 3 Marks, how much will the state safe if these undesirables are eliminated ?
Now, the girl is completely aghast at the very thought of something so preposterous but the fiance, a pro-Nazi himself, goes on to pooh-pooh the teacher, saying that it is a very easy problem and proceeds to give the solution!
While talk of break-ups and scabs are enough to scandalise some people, others are known to watch recordings of people being beheaded by extremists, with more than a trace of glee/anticipation!
Blogs are like bouffets. You get to see them for free and choose what you would like to have on your plate. What say ?
Folks,
Thank you. I seem to have set off different thought processes in different minds with this post. I appreciate the comments, Shirsha, Prash, Veens, Sivaram, e-homemaker and Jeeves.
Ash, Dear dear Ash,
As a rule Man is a fool
When it is hot he wants it cool
When it is cool he wants it hot
Always wanting what is not.
Lovely writing! Loved the way you put in words.
Laksh- Thank you.
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