Patient Missus Em
For those of you who were hoping I had 'softly and suddenly vanished away', this is bad news. I am back. As to why there was a longish by my standards break in posting, here's some explanation:
How soon can you admit yourself, dear? No ifs and buts, I notice.
It will take me a couple of hours to organise things.
Who is the patient?
Who is admitting you?
There are consent forms, things to sign…
I will sign them.
This is very irregular.
We will be giving you an IV channel.
Does it take six nurses to do that?
The junior sisters are here to learn…
I do not want to be a practice dummy, thank you.
Don't move please.
Then listen to me please, before you touch me again. You are trying to put clamps on my wrists and ankles, and those are the most painful parts of my anatomy. Tell me what you are going to do, and I will be prepared.
Make a fist.
Make a tighter fist.
I can't make a tighter fist. If I may suggest something, try to find a vein in the right arm, you can search all day on the left.
What is this?
But why have you given me cream crackers?
You are put down as diabetic on the chart.
I said I take my tea with no sugar and very little milk. That doesn't make me diabetic. Do you think I wouldn't state such an important thing when admitting myself?
Toast and tea for breakfast?
What is this? This bread isn't toasted. Where is the butter, jelly or jam? What is this white thing?
That is paneer. Butter is spread in the kitchen. Jelly isn't served.
Are you trying to starve me to death as you treat me?
I'd like to use the bathroom, please.
The ayah will get a bedpan.
No, I will go the bathroom.
Junior sister will carry the IV bottle.
Call your senior.
Sister will stand outside, with the drip.
It's not long enough, call your senior.
Hello, I am the RMO. What seems to be the problem?
I need to use the bathroom.
Sister, stop the drip. Let the patient finish and start it again. Oh, and get the portable IV stand.
Ah, my dear, are you all settled in and comfy? Sister, this is a patient very dear to my heart. South Indian lady, you know. Such a wonderful person. She puts up with so much pain, never complains. Such a pleasure to treat.
The nurses exchange a doubtful look and stare at the doctor and me as though we were Bug Eyed Monsters.