Dear Basant Dhawan,

I am sure you are a nice man. I have just read a letter you signed.

You are grateful on your company's behalf, you said, for my patronage. But when you append your name to even form-letters, you ought to make sure that text matches fact, you know, really.

It will save me money, for one thing-- from having to invest in dentures because I gnash my teeth, and hey, it will save the earth too and slow global warming if I didn't feel it was necessary that I write back and tell you a few things. Paperwork saved is the huge global warming mountain nibbled at, after all. Let's save a few rain forests, shall we?

You mentioned I've been using your services for a long time; is a little over eight months a long time? Really, truly? Do I have to change my time reckoning and rethink how long is long?

You invited me to spread the joy of WorldSpace Radio around by telling my friends about it. You included an easily filled form for names and addresses, and you informed me that for any friend who signs up on my recommendation, I will get one 3D sound headphones and three recommendations would mean an automatic entry to a lucky draw where I may win a Bose Home Entertainment System worth Rs 61,760! What happens if a dozen friends sign up? How many headphones will I get? Will my name be entered thrice in the lucky draw? Do I get that Bose Home Entertainment System free? Or will you decide I am ineligible?

Why do you think I will give you names of my friends and means of how to contact them just because you sent me a letter? Phone numbers will do if I can't furnish complete addresses, you say? That is rich.

However.

Your kind letter telling me all this, that there was fun to be had, prizes to be won, such giddy stuff and more was addressed to Lalita Mukhergy.

I wish I knew her. She seems to get letters and offers and seems to have an active social life, which I rather envy. I hope you find the real Lalita Mukhergy and motivate her enough to sell subscriptions on your behalf, I really do. Here is wishing you best of luck.

May I ask a small question, though? How would you like it, Basant Dhawan, if I addressed you as Vasanth Divan or Vasant Dhavan or Boshont Dhabon, or Vashant Devan, or Vaasanth Deewan? Do tell.

Nevertheless, let me congratulate you on your efficient helpline. You have cheerful, helpful, articulate and competent staff manning your lines. They always sort out my problems and guide me step by step to solve whatever trouble I report.

And now about the entry for the lucky draw and the Bose Home Entertainment System? Can I consider myself a winner?

Cheers!