Singular madness

There was a time, maybe a century ago, newspapers were read not just for news, but to learn correct usage, too. Nowadays though, it is all one can do to wince and gnash one's teeth through the day's lot of howlers. They don't seem to proof-read or correct the grammar before they publish anymore.

Admittedly, English is a second language for us, and it has its quirks. Take plurals for example.

English has so many different and bewildering forms of them: plurals are formed by adding s, certainly, but in the case of nouns ending with s, ch, sh or o, plurals are formed by adding es. But some nouns ending with o are left alone, like in mementos or pianos.

Where nouns end with fe, the plural form changes the f to v and adds es; but there are exceptions, like chiefs, dwarfs or roofs. For nouns ending with y, plurals are formed by changing the y to i and adding es. Some plurals forms are achieved by changing the vowel inside the noun like teeth or feet. And then there are plural nouns that are formed by adding en.

Some nouns are used only in plural, like tongs, trousers or nuptials, some are used only in the singular, like news, mathematics or measles.

Collective nouns are something else. They are singular in form but are used as plurals. Some nouns are used as both singular and plural. Words borrowed from Latin or Greek retain their original forms of plurals.

If all that is not enough, some nouns mean different things in singular and plural forms. Take spectacle for instance. It means different things in the plural form. Ditto premise. I could go on, but you get the drift.

I was doing what I do best, which is nagging my son. It was time to start getting packed and it meant I had to nag full time, non-stop.

As I waited for him bring out his stuff for me to pack, I was doing the other thing I do best, too. Fuming about the standard of English in newspapers.

This was about a beauty column, and a reader had written in to ask if colouring her hair regularly was safe or " will it damage them." Hair is always singular, I grumbled. Why can't people bother, I fumed. This is the influence of the vernacular and literal translations, I theorised.

My son caught the gist of my rant as he (finally) deigned to bring his things out for me to pack.

"What does it matter, as long as you make yourself understood?" he said, as he dumped the last armful of clothes next to his suitcase. "You are a puritan," he added.

"A purist, " I corrected, sitting down before his mammoth suitcase. He rolled his eyes in response.

"Pass me the scissors, will you?" What for, he asked, in the spirit of the eternal inquirer. "I could snip some designer rips in your jeans, I suppose." I said, indicating the price tags on the new clothes.

"Ah, a scissor have multiple use," he gravely intoned, and took my wince as due applause.

Cheers!