Is it just me or...

They make me gnash my teeth and fume but I read the Sunday Telegraph's classified advertisements and Personal columns compulsively. Each Sunday I ponder these questions, so today I am putting an end to this. I am going to write it out of my system; perhaps I can stop myself reading these columns next week.

There are a lot of these: best body massage, relaxation and satisfaction.

There are constraints on number of words, I understand, but are there constraints on upper case letters, too? The best? Really? Who decided that? Can you show a certificate stating that? At least these are noncommittal and don't raise my hackles much.

best complete herbal body massage by well trained & expert high profile. AC Parking

No punctuation at all and well trained and expert would be two different things; does the client have to specify? High profile, huh? And you have an air-conditioned parking lot? Fantastic.

hot & spicy body massage by smart beautiful male/female massure (sic) Lots of extra enjoyment.

Do they smear chillie powder? Don't they have spell check? How does the beauty of the masseurs and masseuses matter? Extra enjoyment, and lots of it? Hmm.

best comfortable body massage by perfect & well trained. AC facility. Also hotel & home service.

Your masseurs have strange names, don't they?

Kolkata's top body massage by our new collection of hot attractive personalities. 100% enjoyment.

The first upper case letters in the series, but this really makes me wonder. You have a new collection of employees? The old ones got headhunted, did they? Is the turnover rate so high in the industry?

Top body massage By smart & new educated beautiful personality.

Educated, eh? Do they say gluteus maximus as they prod buttock?

Attract unisex bath tub, hot spicy massage give you full enjoyment by high profile. AC Room & escort.

This one flummoxes me. What is a bathtub for? To wash off the aforementioned chillie powder? Escort? Or do they mean a chaperone?

Body massage & excellent relaxation, peacefully atmosphere. A/c parking.

I am not making this up. Read today's Telegraph if you don't believe me.

do you interested total different full outstanding massage and full enjoyment with shock and hottest and best profile provided

I am not making this up, either. And this one worries me. Shock therapy? Do they have qualified doctors?

Monsoon dhamaka special body massage by the most exclusive profile and foreigners for the ultimate relaxation

So massage parlours have seasonal themes, now? Indian Government issues work permits to tourists? Do we even have a policy for it?

Anti Foreign double ice-cream massage unisex 4hrs enjoyment. Bath tub & beautiful personality. AC Room.

The 'anti' puzzles me. Perhaps the advertisers have Views against tourists and foreigners? Double ice cream? With the massage taking that long they do some catering, I suppose.

Attract unisex double full massage with chocolate ice cream & ice bath full pleasure & enjoyment. Smart fresh & cool profile.

No, honestly. This was the bit that pushed me over the edge into venting. Ice bath? They cater to orthopaedic patients, perhaps?

All these messages start with a number, 0 or 01. Some quote rates, too. I read about Thai style or sandwich massages and frankly, the mind boggles.

Maybe I have a dirty mind.


Cheers!