lalita larking

An obsession with cryptic crosswords. Everything else falls in place.

Location: Kolkata, India

Monday, November 12, 2007

Tum mujhe yun bhula na paoge

It is over.

I stare at the message and wonder why you chose to send it.

I am not deaf or blind, I'd known it was over for sometime now. Your voice body language growing distance said as much in the last few weeks. I knew it when you shifted uncomfortably when I sat close. I knew it when you didn't smile when they played our song. I knew it when your calls grew short and letters shorter.

Why would you send this message? I am not stupid, I protested once, when you teased me about something. You tweaked my nose and said no, I wasn't stupid, just silly sometimes. There is a message in the message, then.

You could have told me face to face, when we met last when I bit your shoulder when you moved away and slept out of my encircling arms. I had known. You could have spoken but you just left.

You don't want me to call or mail or send you messages. You don't want me to ask questions. You don't want to explain. I did send some mails last week, left messages that you didn't respond to, made calls you didn't answer. Now this. You are telling me to leave you alone; it is over, and that is that. You could have spoken words. You didn't.

I won't cry over this. I knew you would leave some day, I didn't know you would leave like this, with this terse message. It is over. I won't call. Not now. I won't write. No silly messages with private jokes, our private endearments and pet names. Not now. When love is over, all that is left is pride. I will cling to it.

My thoughts swirl and images form in my mind that threaten to overwhelm me. I bite my lip. I picture you deleting my name from your contact lists, my number from your phone. Will you erase all traces of me? Will you read once again all those hours of chats before you delete them and those hundreds of mails, excising me from your life?

You can delete me from your life, can you delete me from your memories? Can you forget that scented evening when we walked arms around each other? It was cool. I shivered and you wrapped me in a bear hug. Can you forget that? Won't the surf and sands of that beach where we first met evoke me the next time you walk that path with another? Will I be a stranger when we run into each other?

There was a time when we thought incessantly of each other and lived for the moments we met. It is done with, but can you wipe those memories away? Won't a thought of me cross your mind when you hear our song?

I blink my tears away and delete your message. You won't forget me that easily.



Blogger dipali said...

Bhooli huee yaadein mujhe itna na satao,
Ab chain se rehne do, merey paas na ao.

12:12 am  
Anonymous Ash said...

Very well written, but Lali, please get over this Rafi phase.

11:13 am  
Blogger Lalita said...

Dipali- Thanks. It isn't so much as bhulee huee yaadein, though. Just rejection dejection. :)

Ash- No can do. I am always in a Rafi phase.

3:33 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why can't you write about issues? Your state is going to dogs and you write this. Grammar Nazi forgot to punctuate this time, it seems.


5:08 pm  
Blogger Lalita said...

Johnnie- Dear John, be told. I don't do current affairs. Stop ranting about it.

Punctuation is a fine art. I punctuate correctly in essays. In fiction, leaving out commas is a technique to achieve a stream of consciousness feel. That is all.

5:56 pm  
Blogger Rimi said...

You have heard 'Mera Kuch Samaan'? It's not Rafi, but it's Gulzaar, and it is. You know, it just *is*. Do listen to it. I will attempt to mail it if you don't have the song.

11:07 pm  
Blogger Lalita said...

Rimi- I heard it, 'Once,' as Teshoo Lama says when asked if he ever harmed a man. 'Before I was wise.'

12:33 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Odd how this post reminds everyone of another song, another loss. I thought you were a Gulzar fan?

Your economy of creating a history and suggesting intimacy is breathtaking. Bravo.

Secret admirer

5:33 pm  
Blogger Sivaram said...

I ask: is there a thing called falling out of love ? - as an antonym to falling in love ??

10:05 am  
Blogger Lalita said...

Anon- Thanks. How about getting a name?

Sivaram- I think your question contains the answer in itself. :-)

12:22 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

who broke your heart, lali?

11:40 pm  
Blogger Lalita said...

Anon- Huh? Nobody. The post is fiction. :-)

8:16 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


"When love is over, all that is left is pride. I will cling to it."

Your posts contain such beautiful gems. While I do not understand Hindi/Urdu, your fiction is potent !

Cheers !

10:05 pm  
Blogger Lalita said...

Anon- Thank you, Peter. I didn't know you followed my blog. :-)

2:31 pm  
Blogger TheQuark said...

You reminded of this song sung by Mehdi Hasan in a Pakistani Movie:

Mujhe tum nazar se giraa to rahe ho
Mujhe tum kabhi bhi bhulaa na sakoge

na jaane mujhe kyun yaqeen ho chalaa hai mere pyaar ko tum mitaa na sakoge

Meri yaad hogi jidhar jaaoge tum
kabhi nagmaa banke,
kabhi banke aansoo, tadaptaa mujhe har taraf paaoge tum

Shamaa jo jalaayee hai meri vafaa ne bujhaana bhi chaaho bujhaa na sakoge

kabhi naam baaton mein aayaa jo meraa to bechain ho ho ke dil thaam loge

nigaahon mein chhaayegaa Gham kaa andheraa

kisi ne jo poochhaa sabab aansuon kaa
bataanaa bhi chaaho bataa na sakoge

4:16 pm  
Blogger Lalita said...

Thequark- Thank you for the song. The last two lines are brilliant.

4:59 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Lali,
You are saying its just fiction but I'm not agree. The depth of the emotions itself says the truth. Its other thing that you dont wanna to disclose your ex partner's name.
Anyway very well written, I feel like, these are my own feeings.,


3:19 pm  
Blogger Lalita said...

Anon- Ashwin, your vehement statement that it must be true cheers me up; because it means my fiction achieved its purpose. To write a story and have a reader feel it must have happened is all a writer can wish for. Thank you.

9:33 pm  
Blogger Srivats said...

I can feel your pain and believe me all of us go through such thing. We can choose to be miserable or happy. If you ask me, if its not "it", so be it :)

I am not a expert but you can try affirmations like
"All the love I need is already within me"

"I dont need him to be happy "

Or you can watch "Wedding Date" - I think you should ;)

10:50 am  

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